DC Scotch Gent Feature: How to Land a Single Malt

A Scotch Chick stands at the podium in her little black business suit, red stiletto heels, and half glasses…. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our privilege to have as our guest speaker today a man we consider to be a friend and valuable colleague. He comes to us with impeccable credentials. Although his PhD in Russian history made him destined to begin his career as a vodka drinker, early on he transferred his passion to industry and, more importantly, single malt whisky. He is a frequent participant in the Scotch Chix single malt sampling sessions, and, as a host, he is known for his impeccable tastes and generous pours. And so, please join me in giving a warm Scotch Chix welcome to DC Scotch Gent (rousing applause).

One of the beauties of the Scotch Chix adventures is the openness that one feels toward the world. There are heroic peregrinations to Costco for Macallan 18. There are exquisite disquisitions on sensuous libraries. In the mind's eye, one sees the Arch-typal Scotch Chix (the Eternal Feminine, perhaps?) lifting a dram to the light, discerning a scent and thinking thoughts powerful enough to send shock waves against anything in their path.  

For some of us, though, the world is not an open and expansive place. DC Scotch Gent, for one, finds himself on airlines rather often. He is at the mercy of the conditioned, recycled air and failing enterprises looking to cut costs. At times, this leads to drastic measures. The Stoics used to maintain that even slaves were free, because they could starve themselves to death. But can we really talk about freedom when trapped on an airplane with only blended "scotch" to drink?

I will admit to one extreme circumstance: a ten hour flight to New Delhi on Air India. There was one TV screen, broken, playing a movie in Hindi with Hindi subtitles. The plane appeared to have been made in 1970 and shook. I partook freely and unreservedly of Johnnie Walker Black on that one occasion.  

As a man of principle, I am bound to seek the higher truths. With regard to scotch, the true, the good, and the beautiful are all one. In other words, one has a moral imperative to get the good stuff. But enough theory. On to practice. 

Obtaining single-malt on a plane can be difficult, but not impossible. The key thing to remember is that the attendants probably do not know the difference. So be patient, and stick to the basics:

1.) Ask if they have any single malts. In all likelihood, they will not know, but they might--and you can use this opportunity to further their education. Have a couple names ready--more often than not, I find Glenlivet or Glenfiddich. 

2.) Ask before you take off. They cannot serve you scotch till they get into the air, but if they have only a few bottles, they can reserve it all for you. Get in early and monopolize! 

3.) Rummage in the junk drawer. When the attendants come around with a cart, they often have a shelf of little liquor bottles that is organized as sensibly as a junk drawer. This is good! Give them some names to look for down there--I was able to score 3 Glenlivets last time with this technique. Per point 2, make sure that you get a count of how many are left and then monopolize them.

These three steps hardly seem revolutionary, but they do require discipline. On a plane, you will be inclined to rest and might drop your defenses. Don't let down your guard. Keep it up with the questions and get into the junk drawer of liquor -- that's where the hidden treasure could be. As I mentioned above, the beautiful and the good are the same thing, so what you're doing is not only ethical, it's mandatory for all moral people. 

With one caveat, of course. If you get on a plane with the Scotch Chix or DC Scotch Gent, all bets are off--cause we're going to get it first. It's the right thing to do.