There Are Some Rules!

Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, so you want to be a Scotch Chick (or Gent). Well, step right into our parlor, and we'll show you our secrets. But, remember, there are some rules.

1. A Scotch Chick's palate is as discriminating as her taste in Gents, therefore, with very few exceptions, only single malt whiskys are allowed to grace her drinks table. 

2. A Scotch Chick never adulterates her scotch. The reason cretins put ice and mixers in drinks is because they want to dull their palates and mask the taste of the alcohol. How can a Scotch Chick possibly relish the full flavor and luscious feeling of the scotch as it trickles over her tongue if she has frozen it? With the exception of judiciously meted out drops of distilled water, nothing but the single malt whisky should grace a Scotch Chick's glass.

3. While the Scotch Chix often sip their favorite substance from cut glasses because there are no other choices, and a Lady can always rely on her Trusty Hip Flask, the correct glass for scotch is tulip shaped. Alas, you won't usually find them at bars and events, but you should acquire a set for your tasting pleasure.

4. Never "mix the grain with the grape," even in small quantities. If one starts one's evening with scotch, it is not a good idea to switch to wine with dinner. Trust us on this one, Ladies and Gentlemen. It will result in an extremely regretful morning after. 

5. Scotch Chix are allowed to call it scotch while in the United States, but if one travels abroad, the correct term is single malt whisky (spelled without the e - unless you are in Ireland, where they spell it like folks in the United States do – whiskey).  Although the good people of Scotland have a legal stranglehold on the word scotch – it can only be called scotch if it is distilled and aged in Scotland – they have been known to take offense at our use of the term, not a good thing if a Scottish Gentleman is buying one a drink.

6. A Scotch Chick never abuses the finest of liquids. Single malt whisky is a sensual and sophisticated drink. It should be savored.

7. A Scotch Chick also does not even think about getting behind the wheel of a vehicle after imbibing. She designates a driver, cabs it, or takes public transportation. This is an unbreakable rule, Ladies and Gentlemen.